Movie Map - Pearl Harbour

So, this is my first movie map. "Movie Maps", as defined by official US documents, are circles and squiggles that make fun of bad movies. You can click the pictures to make them bigger. This movie is called Pearl Harbour.
The characters are as follows:
B: Ben Afleck
F: Forest Whitaker (he's not in it but I'm too lazy to find out who the other guy was, so fuck you)
N: That nurse
J: Japanese people
The picture is above its description lol

This part is rather self explanatory.

Forest and Ben grew up as best friends.

They even went to the Harbour of Pearls together, where Ben fell in love with Nurse.

Then, and I forget why, (something about airplanes), Ben Afleck goes to England to fly airplanes.

Where he unexpectedly dies.

 More shocking twists, Forest and Nurse start to totally do it. More shocks, Ben isn't dead. His plane just crashed and blew up and he was declared dead by the army.

Ben comes home and sees his girl with Forest. He's all like, I ain't gonna cock your block. So nothing happens, except the looming threat of unimaginable tragedy.

SUDDENLY, an attack from the Japanese, the United States ally from the oriental east (west). Boats blow up, people drown, characters that don't matter die, lot's of terrible acting mixed with terrible tries to make me cry. The usual Hollywood tragedy (remember Dumb and Dumber? :'[ ).

Ben and Forest decide to retaliate, and gear up for THE OFFENSIVE.

Do not mock their mode of transportation. Look, you can see the cockpit.

They blow up Japan and win the war, but something about fuel happens and they crash in China. They are attacked by Japaneses.

Forest dies, and there's more of that Hollywood force feeding you times in which you must cry. Ben escapes onto a boat (I think, I don't remember how he escapes Asia-ville)

Ben returns to the U S of A. More tears I assume.

The nurse or whatever comes back to bone and hang and stuff. They are in love again.

They have a beautiful baby, and all is well.

Or is it!!!!???!?!?!?!?! (his hands make an F, for you guys with glasses)

It is, don't worry lol

That is the gripping tale of Pearl Harbour, here is the final outcome:



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Here's a link to the torrent for all you bitches who doubt my story. This movie does exist, it is this bad. Download it. I dare you. I triple dog dutch oven dare you.

Believes in Patterns - I Would Set Myself On Fire For You

Okay, first off, sorry to all my adoring fans who waited patiently all weekend for me to post something, but alas, weekends are a no show for me what with all the bitches I'm doing and all the super-cool-lots-of-fun I have hanging out and not crying alone at home.
Back to music. I Would Set Myself On Fire For You is a screamo band that incorporates jazz and country into their songs. When I first heard that I thought it sounded terrible, then I listened to it. The blend fits together so well, even though it totally sounds like it wouldn't. The jazz is played underneath the rest of the music practically the entire album and the country is here and there, and then thrown together in the last song which I think is more acoustic rock than country.
The lyrics are emotionally light, talking about the generic angsty stuff; love, loss and rock'n'roll. But the way they are performed with the music seems to make them so much more than that. They become this emotional ride through the inner thinkings of a lonely man in love with someone who quite obviously doesn't love him back. The music brings the lyrics to life, and the life is not a happy one. Off the last song, "Country Song", "Do you hear the walls and the floorboards, singing sad songs? These songs are about you; and these are your songs; and this is my voice; the voice I gave them." Not that powerful, but when they are heard over top of this acoustic guitar it becomes one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
The music is really what brings everything together for this album, as I think I've mentioned a couple times. There's violins, cello's, trumpets, synthesizers, and then of course guitar, bass and drums. The vocals are also a major aspect of the music. Switching between about four different vocalists, (or one super-talented one), there's the usual screamo vocals you would find in any screamo band, there are these whiny screams that usually just repeat the first vocalist, then there's the clean male vocals, and the clean female vocals. Throughout the album the vocals are switching between the four different ones, and some people might find that useless, but I think it's actually beautiful listening to raw screamo vocals played at the same time as a very talented chick singing the same thing. Contrast like that is either perfect or terrible. I Would Set Myself On Fire For You manages to find the rare and hard to do set of perfection.
The whole album is about the guy who loves the girl who doesn't love him, but every song is like it's another person in that situation. Some are about how there is no way they can survive the situation, some are about waiting it out for the girl, and some are about dealing with it, moving on, surviving. The song "So This is Our Home" is about getting over it with the help of someone else, maybe a friend, maybe someone else. Because its the clean male and female vocalists singing, I like to think that she helped him get over the girl and these two ended up together. But that's another great thing about I Would Set Myself On Fire For You. Their lyrics just link together enough to be able to form a story, and you can interpret the story however you please. Hell, you might not even see the connection between each song.
But seriously, I fucking love these guys. The song structures, the story, the angsty lyrics, the four vocalists. Individually it's all meh, but together they all form a super-song, capable of destroying all emotions that they touch.

8/10

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Köld - Sólstafir

Okay, so this is the only good Sólstafir album. All their other stuff is generic viking metal garbage, whereas this is some sort of post rock influenced depressing black-ish metal. It's pretty good, but has to grow on you in my opinion. I've showed it to some people and they've hated it, and later they've changed their minds. For me, it took one listen of the track "World Void of Souls" for me to say it was terrible, and half a listen of "Pale Rider" for me to love this album. That's the fucked up thing about it; some of the songs blow my mind with how good they are, others are so meh, so boring, just the same thing over and over. It's a little on the annoying side.
Anyway, the album starts out with an eight minute instrumental song that shows no side of anyone's imagination. I heard it and said to myself, this is just more of that shitty Amon A-BARF terrible-ness we can count on Sólstafir to release. Then track two, the title track "Köld" began. It's so... overpowered. It blasts its Primordial-esque chant-vocals across the heavens and uses them to drive a stake through the face of every album they have previously released. It's that good.
What could only be described as a heavenly ending to a perfect, heavy song is followed by the calming guitar intro of "Pale Rider". "Pale Rider" fucks with your senses, with its light intro, to it's double bass blasts, you can count on this song to show you the way. It boasts just over eight minutes of unbeatable musical talent, with the Primordial-esque album slaying vocals chant/yelling some shit about walking alot. Lyrics are important almost all the time in music, but not here. Their limited English makes their lyrics sound rather... obvious. One of the best musical parts of the song is accompanied by the lyric "One of us shall surely die tonight; I don't care, no I just don't care". If that's not cheesy, I'm unsure of what you would call cheesy. He doesn't care, nope, doesn't care. What they lack in lyrical talent is more than made up in musical and vocal talent. The other major problem with this song is the super-lame ending. The heavy double bass blasts just end, followed by about three seconds of silence, then the next song starts. A good song needs a good outro, or else there is no calm time, no time to recuperate and  get ready for the next amazing song.
Fortunately in that aspect, you don't need to recuperate for the next song, because, unfortunately, the next song, "She Destroys Again", blows. The album takes a dive for the next couple of songs, sounding much the same as their older stuff, just more progressive and more heaven-shaking chant/yells.
The next highlight of this album is "Love is the Devil (And I am in Love)", which sounds out of place on this tracklist, and more belonging to a Sum 41 album, where the song is about some chick who his friends say are easy bu he can't date because his parents say he's not old enough (being twelve), and because they don't understand. But, I enjoy it. It's a faster song, but shorter than the rest, only just under five minutes. Cheesy lyrics, generic tune about love and loss, but the rhythm and the vocals pull it together. I'm usually not a fan of "chugging", but this song seems to perform that guitar style pretty well, only because it's followed by a heavy bassy tone overtop blast beats, and its pretty hard to fuck up blast beats unless you're Opeth and you don't understand how they work (If you got clean vocals you use blasts elsewhere, not underneath the vocals. They drown each other out. It's not revolutionizing, it's dumb and you suck.).
The last song is also pretty mediocre, I didn't bother to listen to it enough to let it make an impression, so either listen to it yourself, don't listen to it, or shut the fuck up.

6/10


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part 1
part 2

Foreword - Moving Mountains

Fuck, this album. Not as in "Fuck this album, it blows" but "Fuck, this album, holy cocks its fucking good".
 First off, Moving Mountains perform a post rock/alt rock/screamo blend that is quite fucking fantastic. This is their EP, four tracks around ten minutes each, all four of which are too good. The album starts off with "Foreword", which has a slow rhythmic intro that pretty much sets the mood for the whole album: This sounds happy, but we're dying inside. It then explodes into a heavily post rock influenced alternative rock sound that sounds super happy and upbeat, but for some reason really isn't. Then what's-his-nuts-vocalist (FUCK NAMES) comes in with his whiny vocals and the whole mood is set. Some dude lost his love or some shit, and is lost. The next song, is my personal favourite. It starts out pretty much the same as "Foreword", the main difference is that midway through "With One's Heart In One's Mouth" the fucking backup singer starts screaming, and there is so much raw emotion oozing out of my speakers that I really need tissues or something. It finishes with an ambient outro which for me, perfects the song. Ambience in a non-ambient album can be on or off, and here its mostly on. The beauty of this track is how emotional it is, how real it sounds and it gets me fucking pumped. The ambience calms me down and shows that this dude has screamed, he's calmed down, he's ready for "Armslength".
"Armslength" is an acoustic song about the metaphorical end of the world. It's kinda boring, and it's definitely the worst track on the EP, but shit-tits, I still love it. Near the beginning of the song, this bass drum beat comes in, sounding like a heartbeat, it slowly builds up, what's-his-nuts-drummer adding symbols crashes and other shit to make it really cool, then it just ends, and its only the guitar for about thirty seconds. Then it really kicks in, which whats-his-nuts-vocalist doing his yell/sing that is really powerful and he does all the time. It brings the ambient end of "With One's Heart in One's Mouth" and the acoustic intro of this song to a complete halt and is just driven by emotion. It's like what's-his-nuts-song-writer said "Fuck it" and handed all the writing over to nothing but raw emotion.
Now usually I'm not an emotional dude. I fucking hate. Everything. But there's something about this album that makes me go "Naw, fucking embrace your feelings 'n' shit, pass the peace pipe". Sure, this post and to some extent the previous post have been all about emotion, but fuck, music should be about emotion. Fuck your mainstream bullshit about how many chicks are on your dicks. On all your many dicks. Fuck your fake emotion about that girl you wanted to bone but couldn't because you're a faggot rapper with twelve peni (the plural for penis). This album takes all that shit and goes around it. The lyrics are heart-wrenching, the vocals are beautiful, the drumming sounds like a fucking heartbeat that slowly speeds up in every song then slowly dies only to be brought back to life for the perfect ending of the album; "Lights and Shapes".
I know I just finished saying that "With One's Heart in One's Mouth" was my favourite song, but fuck that. I'm listening to "Lights and Shapes" right now, and mother of fucking cocks, it's good. Anger, depression, happiness, and every other fucking emotion can be heard in what's-his-nuts-vocalists voice as he bleats a masterpiece of love and loss. I know, there are fucking thousands of songs about love and loss, but how many hit it right on the head? How many songs actually get the feeling of loving someone and knowing it could never happen down right? I know only a couple, and holy shit this song is one of them. It's practically the perfect love song, and it doesn't need to be a "slow song"

9/10

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The album on mediafire

Ashes Against the Grain

For my first review, I had to choose something that was both emotional and heavy. Something that was filled with anger, and also sorrow. From it's ambient tracks to its raw black/post metal tracks, Ashes Against the Grain, by Agalloch its that idea incarnate.
I hear alot of people who always go on how they don't like when the vocalist (fuck looking up names, like you would know who I was talking about without googling it anyway) does his clean vocals. They can get kind of tedious, but in Fire Above, Ice Below, I think they are a perfect company to the slow intro that song performs. As soon as whats-his-nuts-vocalist changes tune, however with the lyric; "There has never been a silence like this before" the songs fucking moment of calm is broken, and you know what the fuck is up. (Even if that lyric only introduces you to the acoustic portion of the song. It all builds up to the heavy ear-ection of the song.)
Back to the album as a whole though. The track This White Mountain On Which You Will Die, is a two minute ambient track that I personally think brings the entire first half of the album together (first half meaning before the three Our Fortress Is Burning songs). The black metal influences on this post metal album are so perfectly handled that you expect two minutes of ambience, but Agalloch throws you off guard by putting them right after Falling Snow, another song of beauty, but not exactly the slowest song. The first half of the album is pretty much a giant build up you don't realise is a giant build up until you've listened to the album close to a hundred times and you have to write a review on it.
Obviously, the build up is all for the second half, the song Our Fortress is Burning, separated into three tracks; the first one being instrumental, the second, Bloodbirds, is a seven minute piece of art about the existence of God, and also about his failure. The third part, The Grain, is also instrumental. My only beef of this seven minute ambient song is that it's seven minutes of white noise. Sure, I bet that's totally rad if that's the end of the album, but I have the limited edition bonus track Scars of the Shattered Sky (Our Fortress Has Burned to the Ground). I get so pumped listening to the first half build up, the first two parts of Our Fortress is Burning, then I come down off my high, put my shirt back on and listen to seven minutes of white noise to fully erase all particles of this drug from my system. Then I'm thrown back in for TWENTY MINUTES of a really good song, whose cool down period is alot shorter than The Grain.
My last and final point is also of the negativity. The lyrics, which I find extremely important in music, are extremely disappointing. Agalloch, you can't release an album with lyrics as beautiful as The Mantle, and then get away with sub par lyrics like "Sky fire above, ice below the hearth; Fall away from me to that citadel at the end of time". You just aren't allowed to. It's a technical foul.

All in all, great album, lacking in some departments, lyrics and The Grain, mostly. 8/10, but who's counting.

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This Blog is not in French

So, first post.
I'm doing this because a buddy of mine bet me I wouldn't be able to. Fuck him, I said, I'm doing this. Also, as the description is in French (it's a Gris song) and the picture is an album cover by the shoegaze/post rock band Les Discrets, also French, one could easily think this blog will be in French. This is false and those that believe such will be shot.
This blog will join the thousands, nay millions, of blogs made by people across the globe who fansy themselves professional movie and music reviewers, but actually blow. I figured I would do this as a common activity my friends and I like to partake in is making fun of other people's music.
I might also upload some pictures of these "movie map" things I like to draw, where I make fun of terrible movies by drawing out what will happen in them.

I do not live in a bank.